It’s been another up and down week. It honestly felt like a battle. A battle for my mind and my heart. A battle between hope and despair. I can’t explain why life feels so hard sometimes. I’m just exhausted with it all.
Life goes on through the battles. I had coffee with a friend, looked after baby B for an afternoon, sold my car, Skyped my cousin, binge watched the BBC series Bodyguard (which you should totally watch if you haven’t seen it), went to the local prayer group, worked (at school and on my business), visited a friend who’s been really ill, went out for dinner with friends from our street and for lunch at other friends’. I like to keep busy I guess. The busy-ness also creates a distraction from the battles. Gives my head a break.
Saturday was the worst day. I was really down. Felt pretty hopeless. At the worst point an old hymn was going round in my head. I’m not normally into the more traditional hymns to be honest so it’s kinda strange that a couple of them have really spoken to me in the last few weeks. I eventually got my guitar and started to play:
- O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.
- O Light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.
- O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.
- O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.George Matheson, 1882
Even looking over those words now brings tears to my eyes. Especially verse 3. I guess it sums up how I feel. Whatever I’m going through or have gone through He’s always been there, He hasn’t let me go and I can’t close my heart to Him. Sometimes that very thing causes some of the pain. It can be painful to let Him deal with my heart. I just have to keep holding on and trusting that ‘morn shall tearless be.’