Do you ever feel like screaming at God? I do. It’s not fair is it? It’s not his fault that I’ve stuffed up. Not his fault that I’ve hurt people. I don’t know why I want to scream at him. He’s the one that has stuck with me though everything. When I’ve been sad he’s held me while I cried. When I’ve been down he’s pulled me through. When I’ve had suicidal thoughts he’s reminded me why I can’t do that. When I’ve felt at ease he’s held my hand and reassured me that he has a good plan and a future for me. Why do I want to lash out at the only one who loves me completely and unconditionally? It doesn’t make sense. I guess my feelings aren’t rational a lot of the time. I feel like I’m fighting some sort of battle and not getting very far. Having said all that I don’t want to focus on the negative stuff. I guess I’m just trying to come to terms with where I’ve been and where I’m at. Trying to accept that God wants me here for a reason and will bring something good out of my situation.
You can probably gather from the start of this post that I’ve still been struggling a bit over the last few weeks. In spite of this I’m actually trying to be more positive and look at things from a different perspective. I guess sometimes I remember to do that for a bit and then I almost come under attack again (I’m not really talking spiritual attack although I guess that could be involved) and it’s hard work to remember to keep my mind set on God and his will. I will keep picking myself back up and dusting myself down and trying again though. As exhausting as that is I am a fighter.
I’ll fill you in briefly on what I’ve been up to since I haven’t done that for a while. Obviously there’s been all the usual work and business stuff and church. I’m still seeing the counsellor and looking after baby B each week. I’ve had a few coffees and lunches and dinners out with various friends which is always fun. Apart from that there have been a couple of events that stood out. I had a little run in with a bus one day – well the bus ran into the back of my car – it wasn’t a great day to start with so that one made me a bit emotional at the time. I wasn’t hurt though (well not badly anyway – just a sore foot) and the car was quickly sorted out through the insurance. My in-laws visited for a week over the school holidays. I had a birthday as you know and one of my lovely friends took me for a night away at a spa hotel. That was a treat and we enjoyed hanging out together and catching up. My hubby started a new job too which is an answer to prayer.
One of the most rewarding things recently has been my business. I started it earlier this year and I’m running relaxation classes for children – sometimes they help me to relax too. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve had some lovely moments with the kids. One little boy who’s about 5 years old and who told me his mummy died just climbs on my knee and wants cuddles all the time. Another slightly older girl told her friend who was new that it was okay to hug me – it wasn’t weird 😆 (I’ve never said anything to the children about hugging me – I don’t encourage it – they just do). One boy of about 8 kept saying stuff like ‘you’re the best person in the world’ to me when we were doing an affirmation web activity – so sweet. Actually this next moment that stands out is pretty sad but it made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile. The children were relaxing and I was reading a whole list of affirmations over them. I got about half way down my list and one little boy started saying things like ‘no I’m not special, I’m not loved, I’m treated like dirt at home.’ It broke my heart to hear him say those things. I went over to him and put my hand on his shoulder and kept reading positive affirmations over him. I pray that what I’m doing will make a difference for these little ones. When I’m struggling I need to remember the kids I’m working with. Their lives are often unfair. They have too much responsibility and stress and not enough love and attention for young children. Thinking about them helps me to get my life in perspective.
There are people suffering and lost and lonely all over the world. Life’s not fair! Much of that is down to our choices as humans I guess. But alongside that God is good and has good plans. He is on a rescue mission – to rescue us from ourselves. He loves us and wants what’s best for us. He also wants us to grow into the people he wants us to be and wants to use us to rescue others. Maybe my own struggles will help me to help others in some way? I want to be part of his rescue plan.