Silence is Golden?

img_1050Have you ever felt silenced?  Or censored?  I’ve been feeling a bit like that lately and I don’t know if that’s partly why I’ve not written anything in ages or whether I felt like that because I’ve not written.  When I feel silenced, I feel like a caged animal.  Like I’m not free to be myself.  Like I’m trapped and can’t get out.  Like it’s not safe to be myself.  I’m still trying to work out where that feeling originates and what triggers it but I did get some prayer recently that helped a lot.  Still, I don’t want to ignore it – I’d like to know where it comes from so that I can deal with it if I feel like that again.

I wondered if it was something that was said to me in childhood (or maybe even adulthood)?  You know the kind of thing – ‘You talk too much’; ‘Get to the point’; ‘Sit down and stop talking’; ‘Will you please be quiet?’; ‘Children should be seen and not heard’ or ‘Nobody cares what you think’. If you know me as an adult you might think it’s unlikely because it’s not like I can’t shut up 😆  but all of these things have been said to me and then some.  Did any of that take root in my heart or is it something else?

I had a thought as I was processing this that maybe it’s about not being sure I’m good enough? I’m not sure I have anything worthwhile to say or that anyone wants to hear it? Maybe it’s a need for affirmation? Why do I need someone to tell me I’m enough? Isn’t it enough to know what God says about me? Maybe that’s a place I need to get to in my relationship with Him? I have all these random thoughts going around in my head.

I think I’ve often felt in the past like I was invisible and like I couldn’t be heard. Even if I spoke in quite a loud voice (and I can – ask my hubby 😂) I felt like people still didn’t hear what I said. Isn’t that weird? My cousin told me that she feels silenced if she doesn’t get to be creative so maybe it’s about freedom of expression? Maybe it’s about feeling like it’s safe to say and do what I want to say and do? I haven’t been that creative over the last few weeks – I’ve not done much writing or any craft stuff. I’ve barely even picked up my guitar. Maybe that’s it? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe I’m just strange? I dunno. If you have any insight I’d love to hear it. Or maybe you’ve felt like this too? It would be nice to know I’m not the only one.

7 thoughts on “Silence is Golden?

  1. Thanks for your comment LA. I think confidence can be an issue for me but I’m working on it. 😊 Hopefully I’ll learn to be completely confident in myself one day.

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    1. It’s a difficult thing to get over. Honestly for me it was after I became an adult that I lost my voice. I have taught myself to hold my tongue to keep the peace. It resulted in me not being true to myself though and that becomes very painful after many years. I hope that next year both of us will find our voices. 😊

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      1. Thank you for your reply back. Yes, I totally relate to that keeping of the peace. I am a master at it. Only my faith in God helped. My confidence in Christ is the only thing that really sticks more than a day, for real change. But it seems to be a long process! Take care–Happy New Year!

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