The little girl inside

There’s a little girl inside

And she’s hurting… but she doesn’t understand why

She’s always been loved and cared for

All of her basic needs were met

But she’s still broken

She still aches to be wanted, to be loved, to be enough

No matter how hard she tries to please she always comes up short

She can never be perfect or even good enough

The expectations are crushing but whose expectations are they?

Are they even real or are they all in her head?

She hates to disappoint

But she always does

Why can’t she be like her sister?

Always a good girl, tidy and neat, straight A student, hard to beat

Even now, though she’s reached middle age

The little girl is still trying to please

Still coming up short

Still hurting

Why am I not just

Good enough?

Mystery Blogger Award!

Today is the anniversary of my first post on this blog so it seems like an appropriate day to share this.

Thanks to Astrid of A Multitude of Musings for nominating me for the Mystery Blogger Award.

Rules

1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.

2. List the rules.

3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.

5. Answer the 5 questions you were asked.

6. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.

7. You have to nominate 10-20 people.

8. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.

9. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).

10. Share a link to your best post(s).

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Enigma.

Astrid’s Questions

1. What is your favorite color?

A. My go-to answer to this question has always been purple. I do really like purple but it’s not a colour I wear a lot. I also really love blue – many shades of blue – but especially a kind of teal or aqua blue. I’m quite partial to a soft but bright shade of orange too. 😂 (Complicated answer to a seemingly straightforward question).

2. What is the biggest challenge you face right now?

A. This is a really tricky one. I’m not sure. There are a few challenging things going on for me just now. I’m trying to get my business off the ground. Trying to adjust my mindset and recover from depression. I have some relationships that need a lot of work. All of these are challenging in their own way.

3. Do you have any pets?

A. Not at the moment. I really like animals but I also love to be busy and out and about and travelling when I can. I’d feel bad about leaving a pet on its own I guess. I’ve had a few different pets in the past. As a child we had a couple of budgies (I was pretty nervous of the first one as it used to attack my hand when I tried to give it its food). I also pestered (and prayed) my parents into adopting a stray kitten (Smudge) when I was around 12 years old. It turned out I was allergic to her but I loved her anyway and we had her for 13 years until she became very ill and had to be put to sleep. When my kids were younger we had gerbils. They were cute. They were supposed to be the children’s responsibility but you can probably guess how that worked out. I think that’s all – except for the pet snails I kept in my classroom for almost a year.

4. (Weird/Funny) Would you want to be the opposite gender for a while if you could?

A. Haha funnily enough I used to joke about this with a friend but no, not really. Sometimes we girls like to have a bit of a moan about the difficulties of being female but I wouldn’t change it. I’m pretty sure there are some tough things about being male too.

5. What was your major in college?

A. I hope I’m answering the right question here – cross-cultural confusion is possible. The first thing I studied at uni was Theology (with Children’s Ministry Specialism). After that I did a post grad in Primary Education.

Three Things About Me

These are probably going to be pretty random as I’m just trying to think of three things I’ve never written about here.

1. When I was a child/teenager I shared a room with my sister. It had an imaginary line down the middle of it. Her half was tidy and neat and mine was anything but. I think it frustrated her no end.

2. I’m a big kid at heart. I somehow manage to present a sensible adult image most of the time but I love to play and have fun. I like going on mini adventures (basically an unplanned diversion to somewhere I don’t know for no particular reason) and climbing trees (not too high – I don’t like heights much). I enjoy games and craft activities and visiting new places.

3. Right now I’m in Croatia (new place 😊) with the family. I started writing this post after being woken up with the church bells ringing at 6am!

My favourite post

This is tough because many of my posts are about something close to my heart at the time – probably the same as most blogs. The two posts that have the most likes by you lovely people who take the time to read them are these:

A few days in Europe

Some of my favs 😊

One that means a lot to me in terms of processing is quite an old one:

Known

My Nominees

(In no particular order)

1. Fractured Faith Blog

2. Beauty Beyond Bones

3. Waking Up on the Wrong Side of 50

4. To Write or Not to Write and What…

5. Common Sensibly Speaking

6. John Coyote

7. Writer of Words, etc

8. My Daily Gratitude List

9. The Godly Chic Diaries

10. The Lovegood Oddity

My Questions

1. What is your favourite place you have ever visited and why?

2. What is your favourite book of all time?

3. If you could go anywhere or do anything right at this moment what would it be?

4. Who do you most admire and what would you say to them or ask them if you could?

5. (Weird/funny) What was your most embarrassing moment (or most disgusting habit – if you can’t think of one) ever?

He loves me

He loves me like his favourite teddy bear
A thing, a possession
Never to be let go
Worn out and tatty
Well loved but of no real value
Not particularly important
Easily replaced

He loves me like a princess
Beautiful, important, highly valued
With purposes yet unknown
But definitely of worth
A priceless gem
To be sought after
And cherished

Silent Scream

Sometimes I just want to scream – but I don’t. I keep it all inside and maybe it drives me ever so slightly insane. I can’t process. My heart is heavy and sore. I have dark thoughts sometimes – I won’t do anything about them but they still torment me. I want relief. Maybe I’ll just have a drink and go to bed. Maybe I can sleep this sorrow away?

Silent scream,
Internal turmoil,
Listening to the demons telling me to
End it all.
Nowhere to turn
To find relief.

Silent scream,
Complex emotions,
Rage and frustration
Exhausted with life
Am I alone?
Maybe

When was the last time?

When was the last time you rolled down a hill
Or chased a butterfly that wouldn’t stay still?
When was the last time you lay on the grass
And watched the cloud shapes slowly pass?
Who told us that growing older
Meant we had to grow up?

When was the last time you ran through the leaves
Or built a den among the trees?
When was the last time you climbed to a branch
And watched so still as everyone passed?
Who told us that growing older
Meant we had to grow up?

When was the last time you built an igloo
Or made some angels in snow that’s new?
When was the last time you got on a sledge
And flew down a hill with your heart on edge?
Who told us that growing older
Meant we had to grow up?

When was the last time you played on a swing
Or made daisy chains while the birds would sing?
When was the last time you flew a kite
And watched it soar with colours so bright?
Who told us that growing older
Meant we had to grow up?

When was the last time you just had fun,
Felt as free as a child playing in the sun?
When was the last time you did something daft
And didn’t care if anyone laughed?
Who told us that growing older
Meant we had to grow up?

I don’t want to grow up!