Field of dreams

I needed a bit of headspace this afternoon so I’m sitting in a field mulling over a million thoughts. The grass is taller than my head where I’m sitting which might not be such a good plan since I’m allergic to it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m grateful for the worship music in my ears. It reminds me where to put my hope. I’m grateful for the warmth of the sun. I’m grateful for the distraction of bees, butterflies, grasshoppers and other insects that I’m watching while they busily hop or fly from one flower or blade of grass to another.

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve sat in fields contemplating. Sometimes dreaming. Sometimes crying. Sometimes trying to make sense of life. Maybe there’s something that literally grounds you when you sit directly on the soil? More likely it’s the awesomeness of contemplating creation and God and things way bigger than me that makes me dream and hope for better things.

I feel small and insignificant sitting here. That’s okay though – it’s no pressure to be invisible. What is harder is knowing that there should be more and I’m not sure if I can ever be more or be enough. Part of me wants to turn this around and preach to myself right now. I know the ‘correct’ answer to that statement I just made but I need to sit with this emotion for a while. I need to empty out the pain once in a while. There’s no point in hiding the real me. That’s the whole point of this blog.

This is a bit of a verbal vomit type post so I know it probably won’t make a lot of sense to anyone but if you’re still reading I appreciate your time and that you cared enough to read this far.

Does anyone else sit in the middle of fields to process or is that just me? Where do you go for headspace?

Blogging Update

I know – it’s been a while – again! It’s not that I have nothing to say – it’s just that I don’t know where to start. As a result I thought I’d take the opportunity to answer some questions posed by Claudette, the lovely Writer of Words on her post about a week ago now. In fact I can relate to a lot of what she said at the beginning of her post too so check it out?

So these are Claudette’s questions and my attempt at answering:

All about blogging

1) Does belonging to a blogging community imply a responsibility toward the bloggers?

I had to think about this one because I do tend to take on responsibilities that are not mine and I also like to look out for others. Realistically though can you take any responsibility for people whose real names you don’t know, who live at an unknown address sometimes on the other side of the globe and whom you have no contact with outside of cyberspace? I don’t think so. Do I care? Yes, I actually do care. There are many blogs on here that I can relate to and people who I’m certain I’d get on well with IRL but you know…

2) Does it become a want or a need to read, like and/or comment regularly?

There are several blogs that I enjoy reading regularly and will often like or comment on. It’s definitely a ‘want to’ I think. I don’t feel I need to for similar reasons to my answer to question 1.

3) If you read, like and especially comment at least semi-regularly on a select few blogs and thereby get to *know* that blogger a little, does this relationship qualify as friendship?

I’d like to think it’s a sort of a friendship. There’s a connection there for sure. I guess the difference is that your IRL friends are actually there on the other end of a phone or at your door if you need them and you can be for them too. I think it’s definitely possible for a blogger friend to become a real friend if you get in touch outside of this platform.

4) Is a virtual relationship through a blog real?

It can definitely feel real but I don’t think that it would be possible to get all the qualities you’re looking for from a friendship/relationship through blogging and commenting. There would have to be more.

5) Do you feel reading there every time they post is the responsible thing to do or do you drop off on occasion?

There are some blogs that I read all the time but there are others that I’ve stopped reading as often or just dip in and out of. I tend to read what I enjoy.

6) If you drop off, what are the reasons you are taking a break?

There have in the past been a couple of blogs that I felt were affecting my own thinking and maybe even getting me down – I have to look after myself too. I’ve also accidentally taken a break from some blogs because of glitches in WP that have meant their posts stopped showing up for me.

7) What if you extend the relationship with a blogger beyond the blog and start emailing with them? Does this make the relationship more intimate, more real?

I think so. I guess it depends on how far you extend it but if you’re chatting back and forth by email then yes. I think you’re probably more likely to phone or video call too once you’ve taken this step.

8) With those more intimately connected bloggers whom you have an exterior relationship with (say through email) do you take the opportunity to check in with them when you read between the lines something they posted in their blog?

I don’t really have this situation. I have some IRL friends who read my blog but don’t blog themselves. If I was in this position I’m sure I would check in though.

9) When you formulate an opinion on a blogger based solely on what you read on their blog, do you make assumptions about them and/or their personality, character, lifestyle?

Definitely. I think it’s natural as humans to fill in the blanks in a story or make up what we don’t know. I don’t feel bad about doing that though since I always assume that people are generally pretty great.

Thanks Claudette for posing these questions. Just what I needed to break my silence again. 🙂

A New Day

Fresh starts are such a good thing. I’m grateful that bad days come to an end, you go to sleep and wake up to a new day, a different day and hopefully a better one. Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had with depression in a long time. But today is a new day and it’s going to be a better one.

I’ve been realising that I’ve been using social media to numb a lot over the years. I don’t think it’s healthy. I need it for work but I had excess accounts that I don’t need so I got rid of a bunch of them – including the ones associated with this blog.

I didn’t start blogging to get a following. I love the little community that I’ve connected with on WordPress but the majority of the people I most enjoy reading and connecting with on here are not the ones I connect with on Twitter or Instagram so those accounts are gone. It’s funny because on Twitter I had built up a decent following pretty quickly but it felt so fake. Most of those people didn’t actually connect with me or read my posts. I guess I didn’t with most of them either. I get that others will have a different experience or want to use social media to promote their blogs and that’s cool. It just wasn’t for me.

Anyway – I decided to live in the real world as much as possible. I’ll still be here on WordPress though. I enjoy writing here and reading your blogs. There are several that I follow closely and connect with regularly and I’m happy with that; I don’t need thousands of followers.

Well I guess that’s my little update for today. I’ve deleted a bunch of apps as well. Seems like a good time to declutter my online presence. I’ll have to face all the feelings now if I’m not numbing them – will need to watch my alcohol intake doesn’t go up as that’s another go-to for numbing. Hopefully I can hack it.

What are your thoughts on social media? Do you love it or hate it? Do you need it for work? Do you use it to promote your blog? Do you think I did the right thing or made a big mistake deleting those accounts? Let me know your thoughts. 🙂

Did you ever wonder…?

It’s 3.30am as I start writing this. I’ve been lying awake for a while with all sorts of thoughts running through my mind so I decided to give up trying to get back to sleep right now and spill some of those thoughts out here. I’ve made myself a cinnamon and apple tea (was looking for camomile but I think we’re out) and I’m sipping that while I type.

My sleeping patterns are weird. I can go for months sleeping soundly all through the night and then I’ll have several weeks when I’m awake at least two or three times. Sometimes I know why (too much sugar does it, or if there are people on my mind to pray for) and sometimes not. Well tonight I can’t figure out a reason for my wakefulness. I’ve prayed for several people who came to mind and I’m still awake. I haven’t had any alcohol in 5 days (that occasionally messes up my sleep) or too much caffeine, so I’m clueless.

Today (well yesterday technically) was a gloriously sunny day. We watched church online in the morning and then had a picnic lunch in the garden. I read some of my book (Rising Strong by Brene Brown) lying on the picnic blanket and went out for my daily exercise allowance (walk) in the fields nearby. After dinner (well during/after dinner) I decided to burn some of our paper rubbish in the fire pit. Due to Covid-19 changes they’re not picking up our recycling like they usually do. They’re now only collecting one bin every week again and everything is in the same bin (it’s like we’ve gone back in time).

Anyway I had this thought while I was feeding and watching the fire. I love a fire – I’m not sure why? Maybe it reminds me of my grandad who was always sitting by his open fire and ‘looking after’ it? Maybe it’s just that I’ve always enjoyed being warm – if there’s a fire in a room I’ll be sitting beside it. I wondered if I had been brought up in a completely different family would I have been an arsonist? 😂 It’s a silly thought really but I guess I was thinking that my fascination with fire could have gone a different way?

I was brought up in a semi-strict Christian family. My dad was a bank accountant and lay preacher who later became a pastor. My mum was a midwife. We were raised with tight rules and good morals. It got me thinking about what might have been different in my life if I had had a different type of upbringing. Not that I’d want to change it – I consider my childhood to have been a very positive experience on the whole; but for example if I had witnessed my parents fight or argue would I have known how to handle conflict better and not been such a teddy bear (my conflict style)? If my parents hadn’t sided with my foster brother against me that time (another story) would I have had less doubts about my worth in later life? If I had felt able to openly discuss my questions about faith and life that might not fit exactly with what the Bible says would I have felt more free to speak what is on my mind? Don’t get me wrong – I’m not dissing my parents – I think they did a great job. Nothing about parenting is easy and I’m quite sure my kids could make a long list of everything I got wrong. I’m simply wondering how things might have been different.

I appreciate that for some people reading this you may have had the opposite type of upbringing, with more negative experiences than positive ones. I suppose though my question still stands for you. How might things have been different?

Whatever your background was like I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you think that you would have been fundamentally different if you were raised in a different type of family? What aspects of your character or personality do you think were profoundly affected by your upbringing? Is there anything you wish you could change or are you convinced that whatever your journey has been it’s led you to become the person you are today?

Let me know in the comments. 🙃

Out of Hiding

It’s been a couple of weeks since I wrote anything, pretty much three actually. I guess I’ve been a bit stressed and overwhelmed in some ways. It’s weird because on one hand there have been lots of positives happening and I’m not worried about the pandemic (as awful as it is). Something has shifted a bit though in the last few weeks and I’m aware that I’m more anxious than usual. Anyway, I’m working through it so I’ll not dwell on it except to say that it’s probably why I’ve not been writing – I think sometimes I clam up when I get overwhelmed. On the other hand sometimes I need to write when I feel that way. I’m a bit of an enigma – even to me. 😝

On a positive note – a couple of weeks ago my daughter returned early from the States. I’m so glad she’s home! She was in two minds about coming back but her flat mates were leaving and her school had gone online so when they advised UK citizens to return home she decided to come back. She made her decision on the Sunday evening (which was Monday morning here) and asked me to book her a flight on the Tuesday and she was home by Wednesday evening. I’m really enjoying having both my kids at home again – even if it’s only for a little while.

I’ve finished the first term of the night class I’ve been doing through the church. The last few weeks have been completed over Zoom and Facebook live due to social distancing but it’s worked out pretty well. I had to write a book reflection to hand in for the end of the term too. I may post that at some point. It has been really helpful in getting me to adjust my mindset recently, although there’s obviously still some work to do on that.

Over the last few weeks I’ve also been doing the Negativity Fast and Positivity Feast organised by Igniting Hope Ministries. I’ve found that really useful too and I have definitely made progress in my thinking through it. I know that might sound like a contradiction because I said at the start of this post that I’ve been anxious, but the negativity fast is not about denying the reality of how you’re feeling or doing it’s more about understanding and believing that there is also a superior reality which is what God says about you. More about that in another post perhaps?

Since I’ve not been able to do classes over the last few weeks I’ve been working on a few other things for my business. I finally got my accounts up to date (one of the jobs I love to hate) and I’ve been learning how to build a website using Joomla. I’ve even started a YouTube channel although I’ve not got much on there yet. Gives me some stuff to work on though.

Anyway, I really just wanted to break my silence to share this song. I heard it for the first time a few days ago and it stood out to me because it mentions the words ‘lockdown’ and ‘stand at a distance’ which are pretty significant terms with the whole virus thing. It’s not about the coronavirus though and it’s also relevant for this Easter weekend.

I love the words. It’s a great reminder of how much Jesus loves me and you; enough to go to the cross for us. I love that He holds our peace and that He’s just waiting for us to cast aside fear and run into His loving arms. Even if the music isn’t your taste have a look or a listen to the words. Have a lovely Easter wherever you are and stay safe!

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:13

Out of Hiding (Official Lyric Video) – Steffany Gretzinger & Amanda Cook | The Undoing

Out of Hiding

You’ve got your reasons
But I hold your peace
You’ve been on lockdown
And I hold the key

‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave

Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home

I’ll be your lighthouse
When you’re lost at sea
And I will illuminate everything

No need to be frightened
By intimacy
No, just throw off your fear
And come running to Me

‘Cause I loved you before you knew it was love
And I saw it all, still I chose the cross
And you were the one that I was thinking of
When I rose from the grave
Now rid of the shackles, My victory’s yours
I tore the veil for you to come close
There’s no reason to stand at a distance anymore
You’re not far from home
Keep on coming

And oh as you run
What hindered love
Will only become
Part of the story
Baby, you’re almost home now
Please don’t quit now
You’re almost home to Me

Random Thoughts During Social Distancing

Should I reset my alarm?  It’s normally set for 6.15am on weekdays and 8am on the weekends so I can get up and spend some quiet time with God before everyone else starts to move.  Now that everyone is working from home no one is really moving before about 8.30am so I could shift it a bit – or leave it and use the extra time for something else?  Thoughts?

I’ve never been more grateful for the sunshine.  In the midst of everything that’s going on in the world, it just makes me feel better.

Writing in my garden while social distancing

I wonder when my daughter will come home?  We were chatting through her options yesterday.  Her school in California has gone online and her two roommates are leaving to go home on Tuesday so she could come home too.  She’s not keen on the idea of being on her own especially with all the social distancing but she also has FOMO if everything clears up and goes back to normal quicker than expected.  I’d love her to come back but I also want her to be sure she’s doing the right thing for her.  I don’t want to put pressure on her.

I wonder if we’ll be able to go on holiday in July?  It’s hardly important in the current climate but just a thought.

Will I be able to claim any money back for lost business? I’ve worked out that with the bookings I had in the diary I’ll be losing out on something like 26 days if the schools stay shut until the summer break (which seems to be what is expected).  I’m going to try to use the time to do other things that I don’t normally get round to – like my website for example.  If necessary I could get another job though.  The supermarkets are looking for more staff right now.

Will I do more writing or less?  I’m having another wobble about writing at the moment.  I don’t know whether to keep going or quit. 

Should I try to get a telephone appointment with the doctor?  I’m not sick but I’ve been wondering about whether I should try coming off the antidepressants?  They don’t want us to bother the NHS right now unless it’s an emergency though, and it’s not that.  Does anyone know how you get off these things?  Can I do it safely without a doctor’s advice?  I’m on a very low dose.

I have a gift card to use up before June.  Not quite sure if that’s going to be possible?  It’s maybe my own fault for holding on to it so long but I was hoping to buy a couple of new outfits for this summer with it.  It’s for one of the nearby shopping centres.  Maybe I could use it for food shopping or just go to the clothes shops one day and keep my distance from everyone?  I feel bad for the shops and businesses that are losing out because of this virus.  I know we have to be sensible to avoid spreading it but so many people are losing their livelihoods too.  That could have a knock on effect that lasts way longer than COVID-19.

I probably should disinfect the door handles and surfaces again but today is Mother’s Day in the UK so it’s going to wait till tomorrow.  I want to relax today.  I got the sweetest card with the most lovely words in it today from my kids along with some beautiful flowers.  I am blessed.

If you’ve got this far, thanks for reading my random ramblings.  Stay safe and don’t forget to wash your hands.  🤗

Yes I Will

I’ve been a bit quiet again – I know. It’s hard to explain. There are just times when I find it hard to ‘talk’. Sometimes it’s even hard to share with my closest friends. I just seem to clam up. It’s weird in a way because there’s nothing I want more than a safe place to spill out what’s on my heart.

I’m okay really – in the midst of all the craziness in the world right now. Everything feels a little surreal. Hubby is working from home for the foreseeable future. My son’s uni is closed and classes are going online. I’m taking business a day at a time and counting on nothing since it seems like schools could shut at any moment. My daughter’s mission trip has been cancelled and I’m just hoping that she’ll be able to get home from California okay when the time comes.

Friends are having their holidays cancelled and it looks like people of my parents age will be asked to stay at home soon. Many of the shelves in the supermarkets are bare, a Foodbank in my area was robbed and some self employed people are worrying about how they will pay their bills. Night shelters are concerned about homeless people who may come into contact with the virus and teachers are wondering how the children who rely on free school meals are going to get fed. Like my hubby says it feels like the plot of a movie.

Yesterday was a little unusual for a Sunday. Although our church was meeting we didn’t get up early enough to go so we listened to a message online about Kingdom in Mental and Emotional Health. I got pretty emotional listening to it actually. I guess a lot of things resonated with me. In the afternoon I went for a long walk in the countryside to make sure I got my steps in for my charity challenge. After dinner (and a little/fair bit of wine) I fell asleep just before the end of the movie we were watching. Then of course, during the night when I should have been sleeping I was awake! 😝

Photo from Pixabay

One of the things I enjoyed most about yesterday was listening to my music while I was out walking. There’s something about being in nature that makes it easier for me to hear God and there’s something about the lyrics of songs that has a way of getting through to me. Sometimes even when I’m having a difficult day singing at the top of my lungs or dancing around my kitchen can be enough to pull me out of the doldrums.

This song is one that has helped me out of a difficult place several times. I recommend turning up the volume to listen to it. 🙂

Yes I Will by Vertical Worship

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
You’re working all things out

Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
Is working all things out

Oh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will

And I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify…

Source: LyricFind

Extra Time

How many times have you thought ‘I wish I had more hours in my day?’ Right now it’s 2.30am in the UK and I should be sleeping… I was feeling a bit under the weather last night and fell asleep really early which could be the reason that I now find myself wondering how to use my ‘extra time’. Probably I should be trying to relax my mind and get back to sleep but instead I’ve read some blog posts (I’ve got a bit behind on reading the last few days) and now I’m typing this while pondering options.

I could do some housework – quiet jobs obviously as the rest of the household are asleep – there is plenty of ironing to do, or I could wipe down the door handles with anti-bac spray since there seems to be a bit of a tummy bug in the house? Also who knows if any of us has been in contact with the Corona virus?

I could go out for a walk and get a head start on my 10000 steps for the day? I’m doing a challenge for a homelessness charity to walk 315000 steps during March. So far I’m on track which I’m happy about because I haven’t been walking as much recently as I’d like and this challenge is making me get out and about again.

I could spend some time reading for my book reflection that I need to hand in for the study course I’m doing with church? I have been saying that I need to make time for that. Or I could spend some time with Papa God as I’m feeling the need to do a lot more of that recently?

There’s always work to be done for my business too. It’s nearly the end of the financial year and I need to get my accounts up to date and work out if I’ve claimed all my expenses and the invoices I’ve sent out have all been paid. Last year I think I ended up paying too much tax because I still had some income from teaching and I wasn’t properly on top of the expenses thing.

Maybe I could do something creative? I have several half finished craft projects that I keep promising myself I’ll get round to finishing – beading, cross-stitching, sewing up a bag that I knitted etc.

Probably now that I’ve brain dumped all of these options here I will just end up going back to bed. Thanks for bearing with me while I worked that out though. 🤪

If you had an extra hour that you weren’t expecting how would you use it?

What tips do you have for getting back to sleep in the middle of the night?

Night night. 😴

The Caramel Crunch #8

I have been following Melody from Caramel (Learners at Love) for quite some time now. Recently she started a series called The Caramel Crunch and although I like to participate I usually leave a short comment on her post. This week I felt that I had a little more to say on the subject so here is my response to The Caramel Crunch #8.

Mel’s question was:

You have a horrible cold and you realize you are infectious. However, there is a culture in your workplace of still attending work when you are ill. You realize that if you phone in sick, your manager will then have to spend time ringing other staff  and may not be able to find someone else who can cover your shift. You realize that the other staff will be under a lot of pressure to keep up with the work. They always turn up for work even when they are ill.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Image by Mojca JJ from Pixabay

My answer to Mel’s question is probably not going to be very definative. I realised that I have made different decisions on this very matter depending on the workplace that I have been in.

Many years ago (before my children came along) I worked in a personnel office for the Roads Department of the local authority. I don’t remember having a cold while I worked there (although I was signed off work with anxiety for 6 weeks) but if I had I probably would have taken time off. It was a large open plan office. There were around 8 of us on the team I worked in and most of the staff were fairly young and healthy. I think in that situation my colleagues would have been more upset if I had gone to work and infected them than if they had to pick up some of my workload.

When my kids were very young I did some waitressing and bar work in the evenings when their dad was home to look after them. I guess working with food is a different ‘kettle of fish’ than working in an office anyway but I would have taken time off if I’d had a heavy cold in that situation. I don’t think the customers would have been too impressed if I was breathing my germs all over their food. It definitely would have created more hassle for the managers in the restaurant though. I know they often had difficulty getting shifts covered so they probably would have been cursing me for being ill but equally they probably wouldn’t want me in looking like death warmed up and sneezing all over the place either.

When I was teaching it would have been a very different story. For a start schools are rife with germs. There are always children there with heavy colds in the winter time so this would almost definitely be where I’d picked up the infection from in the first place. There is very much a culture of going to work when you’re ill among teachers. There are several reasons for this:

  • If you stayed off every time you were ill you’d never be at work because there are so many germs floating around in schools. Obviously if we were talking anything more serious than a heavy cold that would be a different story.
  • It can be more stressful to communicate the plans you had for your class for the day to someone else than it would be just to go in to school and do the best you could. I remember times when I really was too ill to attend having to email lots of instructions and resources (PowerPoint presentations, worksheets and the like) in to the school before I could relax and begin to recover.
  • In my area if you were absent from work on more than two occasions you were put on a disciplinary plan. As no one knows when they might be unwell staff didn’t want to take time off for something as straightforward as a cold in case they ended up being unwell again and had to go on to a disciplinary plan. I don’t know the ins and outs of what one of these plans involved as I never needed to go on one but the name in itself was enough to scare people into being at work if they possibly could.
  • Often the effect of your absence on the pupils would play a big part in the decision too. You realise that (no matter how good they are) the children’s education will be affected by having a supply teacher in while you are off. Having the consistency of a teacher that knows the pupils and their capabilities, knows what they have already covered and what they need to work on next and what their abilities are and what support they need is hard to replace. Many teachers attend work when they are ill simply because they feel the knock on effect on the children’s education would be too significant.

As a self-employed sole trader, I now have a different set of issues to work through if I am unwell. I’d be letting my clients down if I didn’t go to work as there is no one to replace me. I wouldn’t get paid if I didn’t turn up as sick pay and holiday pay are not available – I get paid for the hours I am actually there to do the job. I do have the flexibility to be off in the sense that no one would be having to worry about covering me and there are no disciplinary plans to worry about. I am still largely working in germ infested schools though so I guess I would decide on a case by case basis depending on how ill I really felt.

So to go back to Mel’s question I probably would go to work under the circumstances she described since it seems to be what everyone else does anyway. It sounds like I may well have picked up the infection in that workplace and also like it would have more of a negative impact if I did not attend work than if I did. I think I do tend to weigh up the options in this kind of situation though so it might also depend on the importance of what I was working on at the time.

Well if you’ve made it this far thanks for reading. I realise this was a bit of a long winded answer but it let me chatter on for a bit which will save my hubby listening to me go on about it later 😂. Thanks to Melody for the question too. Do let me know in the comments if you have any thoughts on what I’ve said.

Unstuck!

I’ve been a bit quiet for the last couple of weeks. Truth is I’ve been feeling stuck. I was down after coming back from California (pretty normal after a holiday I guess) but I was also struggling a bit to look forward. It felt like I was bottling things up but I didn’t know exactly what. I needed to get some emotions out (possibly writing would have helped) but I was scared to let them out because I didn’t quite know where that would go. I don’t know if any of that makes sense to anyone else? Sometimes I think I’m just weird.

Something has shifted though. I think I’m starting to accept things. Things that have been difficult in the past, how things are now and how the future might look. I’m feeling more hopeful.

I was in two minds yesterday. I was really toying with the idea of just shutting down this blog. In fact possibly shutting down most of my social media. I’m naturally a sharer. When I’m face to face with someone I tend to be open with them but I guess I was kinda wondering what the point is in sharing for the sake of sharing – that’s how social media feels right now. I sometimes feel like I have friends on WordPress or on Facebook etc but I might never have met these people in person or talked to them face to face. Is that really a friendship? It feels real to me but I have no idea what the other people feel?

That wasn’t meant to be the point of this post though. The point is I feel like I’ve been stuck in the past a bit recently. Struggling to accept some of it. I can’t stay there though because I think it’s what makes me depressed? Or at least part of it. I feel like I might be starting to piss some people off with my ‘stuckness’ too. So I’m choosing to let go. To be happy with my life. To grow into the person Papa God wants me to be. I feel like He has so much more for me and I haven’t been able to move into that. Saying it like that makes it sound like I think that’s going to be easy. I’m sure it won’t always be easy but I have to start somewhere.

In time I’m hoping I’ll be able to get off the antidepressants too. I’m sure they sap my energy and they seem to make my tremor worse. (It’s not dangerous – it’s called an essential tremor apparently – seems totally unnecessary to me.)

For now it looks like the blog will stay too. It’s been a helpful way for me to process so if that’s all it is, there is a place for it. So it looks like you guys are stuck with me in the meantime – and I’m getting myself unstuck. 🙂

Photo taken at Finnich Glen