He Wants Me

I wanted to share this song with you since I’ve been listening to it most of this week on and off. I came across it the other morning when I was feeling pretty low and it helped to turn around my thinking at the time and made me feel loved.

I think my greatest desire (for myself) is to feel loved and wanted and seen and known but my feelings don’t always oblige. This song reminded me that God sees me and knows me better than anyone and somehow even though he knows all about my shortcomings and my failures the God of the universe wants me. That boggles my brain when I think about it just for a minute. Anyway I hope the song blesses you as much as it did me.

Control by Tenth Avenue North

Here I am
All my intentions
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands
Only Your love is vital
Though I’m not entitled
Still You call me Your child

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
I give You control

I’ve had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You’re behind and before me
Oh, help me believe

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go, oh

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control

Oh, You want me
Somehow You want me
The King of Heaven wants me
So this world has lost it’s grip on me

Oh, You want me
Somehow You want me
The King of Heaven wants me
So this world has lost it’s grip on me

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go, oh

God You don’t need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
I give You control

Oh, give You control
Oh, I want to give You control
I give You control

You want me
Somehow You want me
The King of Heaven wants me
So this world has lost it’s grip on me

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Jason Ingram / Matthew Bronleewe / Michael Donehey

Control (Somehow You Want Me) lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Promise Me

It’s Song Lyric Sunday hosted by Jim Adams of A Unique Title For Me. This week’s prompt is Promise/Vow/Oath. Ever since I saw this prompt on Jim’s post a few weeks ago this song has been going round in my head. Not really sure why it stuck out so much – I think I just liked it at the time.

According to Wikipedia the song originally failed to chart when it was released in 1990 but after a successful UK tour it was rereleased in 1991 and peaked at number 3 in May. To be honest I don’t remember hearing much more about Beverley Craven after this song but apparently she has continued writing and performing and her 6th album, Woman to Woman, was released in 2018.

‘Promise Me’ would have been in the charts when I was just finishing up at high school. Maybe that’s why it’s memorable? I think that summer I went off on a tour with The Continentals (a Christian young people’s choir) to Scandinavia and Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia. It was probably pretty cringy stuff when I think back now but I guess it was different days. That was my first trip away without my family for more than a few days. I think we were gone about 5 weeks altogether. These days it’s holidays in the sun that are the done thing after finishing school (maybe not this year though).

Promise Me
by Beverley Craven

You light up another cigarette and I pour the wine
It’s four o’clock in the morning and it’s starting to get light
Now I’m right where I wanna be, losing track of time
But I wish that it was still last night

You look like you’re in another world but I can read your mind
How can you be so far away, lying by my side
When I go away I’ll miss you and I will be thinking of you
Every night and day

Just promise me you’ll wait for me
‘Cause I’ll be saving all my love for you
And I will be home soon
Promise me you’ll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
And I’ll be home, I’ll be home soon

When I go away I’ll miss you and I will be thinking of you
Every night and day
Just promise me you’ll wait for me
‘Cause I’ll be saving all my love for you
And I will be home soon
Promise me you’ll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too

And I’ll be home, I’ll be home
Promise me you’ll wait for me
‘Cause I’ll be saving all my love for you
And I will be home soon

Promise me you’ll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
And I’ll be home, I’ll be home soon

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Beverley Craven
Promise Me lyrics © Warner Chappell Music, Inc

Yes I Will

I’ve been a bit quiet again – I know. It’s hard to explain. There are just times when I find it hard to ‘talk’. Sometimes it’s even hard to share with my closest friends. I just seem to clam up. It’s weird in a way because there’s nothing I want more than a safe place to spill out what’s on my heart.

I’m okay really – in the midst of all the craziness in the world right now. Everything feels a little surreal. Hubby is working from home for the foreseeable future. My son’s uni is closed and classes are going online. I’m taking business a day at a time and counting on nothing since it seems like schools could shut at any moment. My daughter’s mission trip has been cancelled and I’m just hoping that she’ll be able to get home from California okay when the time comes.

Friends are having their holidays cancelled and it looks like people of my parents age will be asked to stay at home soon. Many of the shelves in the supermarkets are bare, a Foodbank in my area was robbed and some self employed people are worrying about how they will pay their bills. Night shelters are concerned about homeless people who may come into contact with the virus and teachers are wondering how the children who rely on free school meals are going to get fed. Like my hubby says it feels like the plot of a movie.

Yesterday was a little unusual for a Sunday. Although our church was meeting we didn’t get up early enough to go so we listened to a message online about Kingdom in Mental and Emotional Health. I got pretty emotional listening to it actually. I guess a lot of things resonated with me. In the afternoon I went for a long walk in the countryside to make sure I got my steps in for my charity challenge. After dinner (and a little/fair bit of wine) I fell asleep just before the end of the movie we were watching. Then of course, during the night when I should have been sleeping I was awake! 😝

Photo from Pixabay

One of the things I enjoyed most about yesterday was listening to my music while I was out walking. There’s something about being in nature that makes it easier for me to hear God and there’s something about the lyrics of songs that has a way of getting through to me. Sometimes even when I’m having a difficult day singing at the top of my lungs or dancing around my kitchen can be enough to pull me out of the doldrums.

This song is one that has helped me out of a difficult place several times. I recommend turning up the volume to listen to it. 🙂

Yes I Will by Vertical Worship

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
You’re working all things out

Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
Is working all things out

Oh, yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
For all my days, oh yes I will
For all my days, oh yes, I will

And I choose to praise
To glorify, glorify…

Source: LyricFind

Don’t Speak

It’s Song Lyric Sunday (every Sunday) hosted by Jim Adams of A Unique Title For Me. For a while I’ve been reading posts by other bloggers who take part in this prompt each week but although songs often spring to mind I’ve never actually written about one myself. Partly, I think this is because I know I probably won’t manage to be consistent with posting weekly and that seems to be what people do. When I saw this week’s prompt though (Listen/Hear/Talk/Speak), SO MANY great songs came to mind that I had to post something. I eventually settled on this one as it has been a karaoke favourite of mine for years. Actually I need to clarify that – not exactly karaoke – I’ve actually only done that a handful of times. When I say karaoke what I mean is I’ve sung it lots of times in my living room playing ‘Rock Band’ with the kids when they were younger. 😆

Gwen Stephani singing Don’t Speak

Apparently this song has quite a lot of history. It was originally largely written by Gwen Steffani’s brother Eric as a love song but then after the band (No Doubt) got the song Gwen rewrote most of the lyrics to fit in with what was going on in her life. Her seven year relationship with bandmate Tony Kanal had ended and after several alterations it became more of a sad song in place of the jazzy original. The song topped the charts in several countries including the UK which made it No Doubt’s most successful international hit.

Being a lyrics person myself, these ones always get me. There’s so much pain in these words over the loss of the friendship and letting go. Maybe part of the success of the song can be attributed to how relatable the lyrics are?

Don’t Speak
No Doubt

You and me, we used to be together
Every day together, always
I really feel that I’m losin’ my best friend
I can’t believe this could be the end
It looks as though you’re lettin’ go
And if it’s real, well, I don’t want to know

Don’t speak, I know just what you’re sayin’
So please stop explainin’
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinkin’
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

Our memories, well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands, I sit and cry
Don’t speak, I know just what you’re sayin’
So please stop explainin’
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts, no, no, no

Don’t speak, I know what you’re thinkin’
And I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

It’s all ending
We gotta stop pretending
Who we are

You and me
I can see us dyin’
Aren’t we?

Don’t speak, I know just what you’re sayin’
So please stop explainin’
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
No, no, don’t speak, I know what you’re thinkin’
And I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts

I know what you’re sayin’
So please stop explainin’
Don’t speak, don’t speak
Don’t speak, no
I know what you’re thinkin’
And I don’t need your reasons
I know you’re good, I know you’re good
I know you’re real good, oh

La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la
Don’t, don’t, ooh, ooh
Hush, hush, darling
Hush, hush, darling
Hush, hush
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Hush, hush, darling
Hush, hush, darling
Hush, hush
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Oh, hush, hush, darling
Hush, hush, darling

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Eric Matthew Stefani / Gwen Renee Stefani
Don’t Speak lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Goodbye 2019!

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a few days now and I keep putting it off. Partly that’s because I’m a little scared to look back on this year and go through some of the most painful emotions again… so I’ve decided to avoid those to an extent. It’s not that I don’t want to be real – it’s just that I need to work out when it’s helpful for me to look back and when it just makes the depression more difficult. Having said that there have also been some really good times this year and I’m grateful for those and don’t want to forget about them.

I’ve been to some cracking music gigs – Charles Esten; Country 2 Country (where my favourites were Lady Antebellum and Ingrid Andress); Cassia supported by Alfie Neale (twice); The Cactus Blossoms; Joseph and finally Emeli Sande supported by Ben Monteith. I’ve loved all of these for different reasons. I don’t have any more gigs lined up right now but there will definitely be more next year. There have been good books, meals out, trips to the cinema, mini adventures, board games and lots of quality time with great friends and family.

Some of this year’s highlights have been travelling to Belgium and Paris, Croatia and some places not so far from home like Edinburgh and Carnoustie. I had a bit of fun looking for the Oor Wullie models in Glasgow and Edinburgh in the summer – sometimes with little B and sometimes not. For those of you who have never heard of Oor Wullie; he’s a pretty well known Scottish cartoon character who’s been around since the 1930s so he’s a bit older than me 😂.

One of the Oor Wullie models in Edinburgh

I had the Best Surprise Ever!! when my son came home from Australia in the summer and a more difficult time when my daughter left for California. Can’t wait to go over there to see her in a couple of days. I finally took the plunge and left teaching – no regrets about that. I’m loving my new job even though it’s not exactly a viable business yet. I’m spending more time with some new friends and some old ones than I had been doing and that’s been really good for me. I’m still blogging! Not something I’d ever thought I’d end up doing but it’s been a useful processing tool for me and a way to express myself. I’ve also found the blogging community to be really supportive and friendly.

At the beginning of 2019 I had decided that my goal was to ‘be a blessing‘ but I’ve found this a lot harder than I anticipated. I guess it takes that bit of extra effort to go out of your way to be kind to someone or help them. One of my friends insists that I’ve probably been more successful at this than I think just by being there for people but I suppose it’s not what I had in mind. I guess I know that across the year I have managed to be a blessing to a few people and hopefully that will continue and maybe even develop in the future.

I haven’t made any resolutions as such but looking forward to next year I have thought of a few things that I’d like to do more or less of. I’d like to try to restrict the time I spend on social media and spend more time reading books. I want to spend more time living in the present and being grateful for God’s blessings in my life now. To help me with this I’ve bought this cute little diary and I’m going to try to write down some things that I’m grateful for every day. I want to find a new freedom to be myself and say what I think (I don’t want to allow myself to be silenced any more). This one will probably be the hardest for me as I’ve trained myself to keep quiet over the years. I guess it’s taken me a long time to realise that it wasn’t good for me. I want to grow more as a person and in my relationship with God. I want to grow my business too – a lot easier said than done but I’m hopeful that as I feel stronger in myself I’ll be able to do what it takes.

That’s a lot of things to work on and if I plunge straight in to trying to do all that I will probably feel overwhelmed and fail miserably so I’m going to start first with the little diary and take it from there.

What have you been grateful for in 2019?

Is there anything you want to do more or less of in the New Year?

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me through this year; reading my posts and sending lovely comments. I really appreciate you and I hope that 2020 brings you good health, prosperity and joy.

Maybe it’s Okay…

img_0531

As you know I’ve struggled a bit over the last few months and I know I’m not alone; there are lots of other people that I know who are hurting or struggling.  I often see the phrase ‘it’s okay to not be okay’ and it’s true – we shouldn’t have to hide our feelings or pretend that we’re ‘fine’.  (Of course it’s difficult sometimes because you don’t want to expose your hurts for just anyone to have a prod at.)  No one wants to be depressed or anxious or struggling but it happens and it’s real.  One of the things I teach the little ones in my classes is that it’s okay to feel what we might think of as ‘negative’ emotions – those are real feelings – it’s just that we need to learn how to manage them.  As adults sometimes it feels as though we have to be okay (or better) all the time; have it all together, put on a brave face for the world.  We have to be in control of our emotions.  Squashing those emotions down might work for a little while but eventually it just makes it even harder to cope.

By the way I’m doing a little better on the whole and making some progress.  I got some healing from stuff that I hadn’t even realised was affecting me since I was a kid and that’s made a bit of a difference.  I’ve also realised after talking to my counsellor that part of what I’ve been struggling with is losing/burying myself again so I need to change old habits and keep working on being myself.  I guess once you start exploring deep emotions there are lots of things to work through.

I’ve been listening to this song a bit recently (lyrics below) and the chorus stands out to me every time.  It’s so good to remember that even when I’m not feeling okay that my Papa is holding on to me and that He is in control of my whole life.  I don’t have to control everything or anything really, I can rest in Him when I’m not alright and allow Him to carry me through.

Maybe It’s Ok
by We Are Messengers

If I didn’t know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
If I didn’t know what it cost like to be rejected
Then I wouldn’t know the joy of coming home

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

If I didn’t know what it looked like to be dirty
Then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be clean
And if all of my shame hadn’t drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn’t know the beauty of being free

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

Father, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done
Here in my heart as in Heaven
Father, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done
Here in my heart as in Heaven, oh!

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

Now I’m alive in You
The best that I deserved
Now I’m alive and I can see You in everything
Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok

 

Playlist 2018

img_6205It’s hard to believe this year is almost over.  It’s been a challenge in many ways (I’ll probably post some reflections soon).  I don’t know about you but often I find some comfort or meaning or at least some escape in songs.  A while ago I mentioned that I might post a playlist for the year so here it is.  It’s definitely not a full list of all the songs that have meant something this year (that would probably be too long) but for one reason or another these have all been memorable in 2018.  I’ve included links for some of them, some I’ve posted before but all of them should be easy enough to find online if you want to have a listen.  Hope you enjoy them.

My 2018 Playlist
Abba (Arms of a Father) by Jonathan David Helser
All I Am by Jess Glynne

Believing by Nashville Cast
Bulletproof by Citizen Way

Do It Again by Elevation Worship
Even If by MercyMe
Flawless by MercyMe
Good Good Father by Housefires
Grace Wins by Matthew West

Greater by MercyMe
Human by Rag’n’Bone Man
If We’re Honest by Francesca Battistelli
It Is Well With My Soul by Anthem Lights
Just Be Held by Casting Crowns
Known by Tauren Wells
Lost Without You by Freya Ridings

Make You Feel My Love by Adele
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go by Chris Rice
Overcomer by Mandisa

Perfect Grace by Philipa Hanna

Prodigal by Sidewalk Prophets
Promises by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith
Reckless Love by Corey Asbury
Rewrite the Stars by Zac Efron
Sanctuary by Nashville Cast

Shallow by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
The One I’m Running To by 7eventh Time Down

This Is Me by Keala Settle

Thy Will by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family
Trust In You by Lauren Daigle
Who Can Compare to You by Matt Stinton
Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli
You Say by Lauren Daigle
Your Love Defends Me by Matt Maher