Maybe it’s Okay…

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As you know I’ve struggled a bit over the last few months and I know I’m not alone; there are lots of other people that I know who are hurting or struggling.  I often see the phrase ‘it’s okay to not be okay’ and it’s true – we shouldn’t have to hide our feelings or pretend that we’re ‘fine’.  (Of course it’s difficult sometimes because you don’t want to expose your hurts for just anyone to have a prod at.)  No one wants to be depressed or anxious or struggling but it happens and it’s real.  One of the things I teach the little ones in my classes is that it’s okay to feel what we might think of as ‘negative’ emotions – those are real feelings – it’s just that we need to learn how to manage them.  As adults sometimes it feels as though we have to be okay (or better) all the time; have it all together, put on a brave face for the world.  We have to be in control of our emotions.  Squashing those emotions down might work for a little while but eventually it just makes it even harder to cope.

By the way I’m doing a little better on the whole and making some progress.  I got some healing from stuff that I hadn’t even realised was affecting me since I was a kid and that’s made a bit of a difference.  I’ve also realised after talking to my counsellor that part of what I’ve been struggling with is losing/burying myself again so I need to change old habits and keep working on being myself.  I guess once you start exploring deep emotions there are lots of things to work through.

I’ve been listening to this song a bit recently (lyrics below) and the chorus stands out to me every time.  It’s so good to remember that even when I’m not feeling okay that my Papa is holding on to me and that He is in control of my whole life.  I don’t have to control everything or anything really, I can rest in Him when I’m not alright and allow Him to carry me through.

Maybe It’s Ok
by We Are Messengers

If I didn’t know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
If I didn’t know what it cost like to be rejected
Then I wouldn’t know the joy of coming home

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

If I didn’t know what it looked like to be dirty
Then I wouldn’t know what it feels like to be clean
And if all of my shame hadn’t drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn’t know the beauty of being free

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

Father, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done
Here in my heart as in Heaven
Father, let Your kingdom come, let Your will be done
Here in my heart as in Heaven, oh!

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

Now I’m alive in You
The best that I deserved
Now I’m alive and I can see You in everything
Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok

 

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Embrace the madness

Is this a mental breakdown?
Or maybe a midlife crisis?
My emotions are in turmoil
Don’t know whether to laugh or cry
Maybe I’ll just do both
At the same time

I feel just a little bit crazy
Some would say I always was
But I know deep down
It’s just life that is mad
And I am just hurting
… A lot

How is it that one thought
Can trigger so much pain?
Even a thought that at first brings joy
Can quickly turn and then
I’m drowning
In floods of tears

Maybe it’s not drowning
Maybe it’s washing and cleansing
Maybe it’s all part of healing
Making me whole again?
And in the meantime
I just need to embrace the madness

Big boy, little boy and books

Wow! I can’t believe almost a week has passed since I last posted. It’s all been a bit crazy here. After the parties last weekend we visited with a friend on Sunday who wasn’t well enough to make the leaving party and then the next couple of days were taken up with helping my son to finish getting himself organised for his trip and finishing a wee project that I had started for him when I wasn’t at work.

I’ll tell you a little bit about that. The first time my daughter left home to live on her own for a few months in Norway I made her a scrapbook with some photos and letters of advice from friends and family, some favourite recipes, some inspirational quotes and some hints and tips for life in general (like what all the washing symbols mean on your clothes labels) and that sort of thing. Anyway I thought I’d better be fair (as you do with your kids) and make one for my son leaving too. Of course I’ve known for months that he was going off to Australia but as usual I left it until a couple of weeks before to start his scrapbook 🙄 so it was a last minute rush. I got it done in the end though and I think he appreciated it.

We all went to the airport to see him off on Wednesday. The flight was delayed by a couple of hours due to Storm Ali but fortunately he and his friend got away okay. Many other flights were cancelled altogether and people were having to rebook so he was fortunate. I managed to hold it together and didn’t cry till he went through the gates at security. We’ve had a few messages over the last couple of days and he’s been having a brilliant time in Singapore and Malaysia. He’s due to fly to Sydney in a few hours so maybe tomorrow we’ll get to FaceTime and catch up properly. It hasn’t really sunk in yet that he’s not here. He was always out and about anyway. I guess it’ll be a bit longer before I really notice the difference.

After seeing our big boy off on Wednesday I borrowed my little boy (baby B – he’s not really mine, he belongs to a friend) again for a few hours on Thursday. He’s just adorable and is starting to walk so he’s getting into everything. It was nice to get lots of baby cuddles. He brought a little board book with him of Pride and Prejudice (baby books are much more high brow these days 😂). I must confess it’s the first time I’ve read that book all the way to the end. Must have been just the right level for me 😉.

I think that’s about all the highlights from this week. Other than that we watched the Bad Moms movie (I can really relate 😆), I had coffee and a long chat with a friend and I ran my community classes for kids in the village. Also got an idea for a poem – haven’t written one since school (I tend to write songs) – it came while I was struggling with my emotions yesterday and laughing and crying at the same time and my hubby said ‘we have to embrace the madness’. If I get it done maybe I’ll post it here.

The weather looks good today. Might go for a cycle. Haven’t been on the bikes for weeks but hopefully I won’t fall off. 😝

Rollercoaster ride

This week has been a rollercoaster ride. It’s been fast. It’s had real highs and lows. Sometimes I’ve felt like I wanted to put on the brakes and sometimes I’ve felt like I just wanted to get off the train.

Some of the highs this week were my boy getting home from Spain (where he’d been on holiday for 10 days), catching up with various friends – for dinner (twice), a cuppa and even a trip to the spa. I’ve also had cuddles with my favourite baby, been electric karting and helped to organise a successful community fun day in my village.

Despite the highs it’s been a pretty low week emotionally too (maybe I can blame hormones for that, at least to some extent). At times my heart has been heavy and sad. Sometimes I’ve felt like if someone poked me the wrong way I’d shatter into a million tiny pieces. There have been a lot of tears. A few times I’ve felt like running away. On Wednesday morning before work I saw an advert for staff for a Disney cruise ship and wondered for a brief moment if that would be a good career move. Later that day I was driving past the fire station as an engine pulled out and thought about becoming a driver in the fire service (mind you if my skills at electric karting are anything to go by it’s probably not the best career choice for me 😝). In some of the sunnier moments this week I’ve felt a bit like just getting on a plane to somewhere hot and lying on a beach.

Thankfully in the last 24 hours or so my mood has started to lift but even through all of the highs and the lows the Father kept reassuring me that He was in control. Kept telling me He loved me and that I would be okay and that in spite of how things look He has a good plan for me. I guess it’s a bit like the rollercoaster again – someone else is in control and there are lots of highs and lows but at the end of the day the destination is good and you will be okay you just have to keep holding on.